I Don’t Want To Do This

Everything is so weird and just wrong right now. I can’t quite figure out what it is. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s just mental illness doing its thing. Maybe it’s the System falling into a new form of chaos. Maybe it’s exhaustion.

Either way, it feels awful.

My first two final practical exams are done. The first was rough overall, but my execution of skills was flawless. The clinical decision making part, however, was a little trickier. The second was easy and I totally nailed it. The third is on Monday and the one I’m most worried about.

I also had session on Monday afternoon and it was just shit. I had a hard time settling in because my brain has been so occupied with school lately that it can be difficult to transition to therapy. I mentioned this and I slowly talked my way through the chopped up thoughts I did have about how things have been going in sessions. I’d actually come to (what felt like) an important realization about the process. I shared that, but the therapist didn’t seem to connect with what I was saying, which was disappointing. And to make it worse, I felt like she challenged what I said and I ended up feeling pretty crappy about the whole thing.

She was asking about the System and that was a mess. It’s hard for me to even talk about because it is incredibly activating. We have survived this long because we have always presented as one single integrated person. Even when one Part does something that the Others don’t necessarily agree with, there’s no finger-pointing. So Rachel would never say that Julia cut herself. And Julia would never blame River for not eating. No names. No blaming. No System.

This, to my understanding, is the basic essential rule of survival. I don’t know who set it, but I know everyone follows it. Parts didn’t even start using their names on the outside until I realized there were parts. For three decades, whoever was fronting just went by Andi.

And now I’m disrupting that by sharing things. Sharing names. Talking about Parts and their complex inner world.

I shouldn’t be doing this. Who is it benefitting?

The therapist asked about River. I gave some information, but then I couldn’t speak anymore. Literally. It felt like all the muscles around my trachea seized up and I literally could not produce sound.

River does not want her secrets to be known.

And I don’t know that I want to know them.

She holds onto very awful and situation-specific trauma memories. This is linked to the eating disorder, among other things. Her emotions are incredibly strong and powerful. When she is in distress, it feels like dying.

I don’t want to provoke things. I don’t want to make this worse. I don’t want to do this.

We are two pounds away from River’s initial goal weight. The next goal is 14lbs lower than that. I told the therapist I don’t want to deal with this now. Maybe I can wait until the next goal weight?

“Do you think this will be any easier at that weight than at where you are right now?”

No. I don’t. But I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go there.

The therapist asked me if I could identify with River at all. She asked if I understood the emotion River holds. I said yes, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to go far away. She asked me to “try to stay with it.”

I did. I tried. But then…I was gone. I can’t remember the end of the session.

How did I get here? How did it get this bad? When? How did I not see this coming?

I don’t want to do this.

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22 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To Do This

  1. kat says:

    sounds like the system is pretty scared and freaked out about what happens if the system is shared and brought into the light. maybe you and T need to talk about what happens if system shares, like, to reassure all parts that just cause it is more open, all parts will still be there, just with more communication with each other, which might let everyone work better together for overall function?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      That’s a good idea, kat. I think it would help to have a clearer idea of exactly how we will create space for the system to share in therapy. I definitely think we need more reassurance before this will work.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Rachel says:

    I bet end of semester stress is factoring into the overall vulnerability of the system. And, something I am realizing for myself, intelligent/cerebral type people tend to have lots of insight that the body and rest of the psyche aren’t always caught up to. So sometimes we might think we are ready for something, but the rest of us tells us to pause. Sounds like you are honoring that intuition. Good work Andi, hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes, I would definitely agree with that! Whenever there are added stressors, everything else tends to feel that much more overwhelming. Trying not to put so much pressure on myself to “feel” any specific way about therapy (or life in general) and just let this play out as it needs to. Thanks ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. iamcynical says:

    I feel this way too. Presenting as one person. Even now I am becoming more aware of the parts and it strange… It’s hard to deal with. It seems like I dissociate from the dissociation. I seem to switch and have someone actually come out and take control if I talk too much about the dissociation or traumas that aren’t processed in the active part(s). I just want to let u know u r not alone and it so reassures me to know someone else experiences this and it’s not just “all in my head” although technically it is in my head lol!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you so much for this comment. It is so incredibly comforting to hear about other’s experiences that are similar and know I’m not the only one going through this. xo

      Like

  4. Zoe says:

    100% sense to me on how you don’t want to disturb the balance that you’ve all managed because from what I’ve read that cooperation (understanding) is not as common as many would like. My friend that I told you about has 3 parts that are always blaming 2 others and just fighting. If she had the understanding you all do I’m sure she would be as reluctant — I sure as well would. And you’re already going through some stressful times too. Hang tight. All parts. Gentle hugs and tons of good vibes.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. sensuousamberville says:

    First off, exams cause very powerful stress, stress that will compound the stress your alters are experiencing. There is an unknown to coming forward. Some of them have hidden secrets to protect, they will be feeling pressure to change, to release.

    Should you stop therapy when your life goes through stress, like exams or periods where therapy is more difficult? I do not believe so, tis good for your therapist to see you in all conditions, to see how you react to them, how your parts react to them, which are triggering events for you and to help you too, to work through them, and to give you tools to help you work through them in the future as well.

    For your parts, as they sneak peeks at this too. Yes you will feel balance changing, tis hard to trust anyone, let alone this therapist that wants to peek back, to get to know you. Get to know her first, peek occasionally to feel her out, see what you think. She can help you with your stress, your anxiety. Her goal is not to make you go away, but to strengthen you and make your more comfortable.

    Be strong, together.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Yes, I think there is definitely a sense of pressure to change and that’s frightening. Exams ARE very stressful and I like the idea of allowing the therapist to see us as we encounter various stressors. I think I just fixate on the idea of being the “perfect client” and not wanting to be difficult or whatever. Thanks for the support ❤

      Like

      • sensuousamberville says:

        You concern yourself with being the perfect client a lot, this is not uncommon, more so for you having had your last therapist abandon you. A fear of abandonment from your bpd will only enhance this feeling.

        So, what is the perfect client? pssst, one that says what is on their mind, when upset also passes that on, when happy with the way things are going, to voice that too. When something comforts you, pass that on, when something is triggering, do not hide it.
        Why?
        This is necessary for her to grow with you, to plot a path, to know what works. Triggers are important to discover too.

        Openness, this is the perfect client. Don’t worry about being difficult, just be you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. littlevoicetalks says:

    Brave girl. You write about the system and you are opening up. Maybe then the healing begins. It’s not betrayal, it seems to be about each part of the system taking a leap of faith and maybe all of them will find some kind of healing in the things they protect.

    Your post really touched me this morning… I realised just how much we suffer as humans and how the tools we implement protect us from feeling too deeply because we fear the pain may kill us.

    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Tina says:

    Oh first of all .. Hugs. Lots of safe bear hugs. It’s so difficult when the therapist doesn’t seem to get it & I think you said it before …. You called it a throw away session. Ugh frustrating

    Liked by 1 person

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