Right now I feel completely burned out in almost every aspect of my life. I have exactly two weeks left before finals are over. I have two practicals exams next week (both at stupid early hours), then one practical exam next Monday and three final written exams in a row next Thursday. Yikes.
I don’t even think I’m nervous for the actual exams. I know this shit. Sure I need to review well and go in prepared, but I don’t really have any reason to be concerned or stressed. But I do feel a little worried because I have been struggling so much to concentrate. And it seems to be getting harder for me to recall the specific information I need when I’m asked – as if I’m processing things slower or something. I honestly think my brain is just so utterly fucking saturated with information that it literally feels heavy. And so there’s all this shit to sort through in order to find the exact knowledge I’m trying to access.
I also had session this afternoon and I felt so all over the place and yet absolutely nowhere. Another “throwaway” session. I’m trying not to panic about it, although I want to.
I did bring up last session and how she offered a phone check in if I needed it. I asked why she offered it. I’m sure she gave a really great answer, but I honestly can’t even remember what she said. Something about how I seemed upset and she wanted to help me contain my distress. I think she also said something how possibly other parts within the system wanted to speak their minds (she specifically said Julia, which actually makes a lot of sense when I think back and also – props to her for using Insider’s names. I like that).
Probably. But I don’t know how to do that without everything unfolding into absolute chaos. It’s hard enough for me to contain myself. Trying to contain other Parts is…messy. She said we could work together towards that goal. Sure.
I told her I felt absolute terror when she offered a phone check in. I didn’t explicitly tell her about my post about it, but I did say that I spent the entire commute home telling myself I would NOT make that call, no matter what.
She said that it’s her job to maintain and be clear about the boundaries and to ensure she’s working within her comfort zone and limits. I agree with her. But I told her I don’t trust her to actually do that. And by calling her, I am essentially inviting her even further into my space – into my support system – and that terrifies me. Because if I do that and she flakes on me….
She said, “That makes a lot of sense. You become more dependent on me by reaching out when you’re upset and I definitely understand why that would invoke terror in you.”
She says all the right things. She’s so fucking on point every session. And I genuinely believe she is a dependable therapist. But I want so much to bail on this. I want out. I want to run as fast as can as far away as I can.
I told her this. She said it makes sense since we’re getting deeper and deeper into the work. I suppose.
Or maybe I’m just wasting everyone’s time.
I’m hoping this feeling of total shit goes away soon. Ideally, this is all just end-of-semester burnout that will lighten up once finals are over and I can do some legit rebalancing of my body and soul. I upped my Klonopin back to the regular dose I’d been taking just to make sure I’m getting as much sleep as I can. I’ll worry about the potential brain fog side-effects after finals. But without sleep, nothing else matters.
My goal right now is to not catastrophize everything. School will be fine. Finals will go well. Therapy will figure itself in time. I will be okay.
This is not my life falling apart. It’s just burnout. And it won’t last forever.