Already Invested

Last post I talked about how I felt afraid of investing in therapy because I don’t want to get hurt again. The therapist rebutted with an excellent point about how being in therapy can ultimately be the thing that helps me become less afraid that I will lose everything or be hurt by everyone.

She’s right. In general, I think that’s true. But I just don’t know if that’s possible for me.

I want so much to lean into this process with her and let things play out as they will. But it’s so frustrating to me that I’m somehow even further away from being able to trust than I was before I sought therapy again. It’s so unfair that this ridiculousness with Zooey created yet another barrier to human connection and placed yet another obstacle in my healing journey. That wasn’t supposed to happen! Therapists are supposed to help you, not make it worse.

And the truth is, I feel myself getting closer and closer to a line that I cannot uncross. I feel myself beginning to miss this therapist in between sessions. I find that I think about her and about our sessions more and more often, which feels absolutely terrifying. 

Because the reality is clear: I am already invested. 

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18 thoughts on “Already Invested

  1. Zoe says:

    *hugs* it’s a terrifying process and adding to that the past experiences you’ve had only make it more so! Thinking of you. Strength me fellow warrior! May tons of it wrap around you and empower you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anxious Mom says:

    That all really sounds scary as hell. I am in awe of how you are able to put yourself out there with this therapist, after all you’ve gone through.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. myambivalentexistence says:

    It sneaks up on you doesn’t it . You tell yourself that you don’t need them, you can walk away whenever it suits you and then you realize that was just a rationalization. It’s scary to need. Or even want. Because as many of us have learned , needs and wants aren’t always met. But they are human. And we are human. So here we are *hugs* . I understand how difficult this is and I am so very proud of you. You are an inspiration to many of us xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. alicewithptsd says:

    Scary, yes, but with the right person, so worth it. As my therapist says, “the relationship stuff is hard because it creates excuriating vulnerability at times, but its worth it because there are bountiful rewards.” I am slowly learning she is right. You don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready to do. I do think, at some point, you will become fully invested. And thats okay. Everything you have written about this therapist makes me believe she is a safe person to trust. For now, just take it slow. Try to “trust the process”. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. S.G says:

    I have the same fears and am constantly having to talk myself down from that standpoint of “omg she will hurt me, everyone always does in the end.” I keep reminding myself that this therapist isn’t my last therapist and it’s a clean slate. Not easy at all.
    I think you’re brave too. Zooey did break your trust, and maybe set you back a bit BUT by default her behaviour put you on a better path to this new therapist who is better for you. I always think everything happens for a reason. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      You know, I think about that a lot….about how I wouldn’t be with THIS therapist if I hadn’t first started with Zooey and ended up in such a mess. I do believe Zooey was part of this journey. I just wish it hadn’t been so damn painful. Thank you for your support. xo

      Liked by 1 person

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