Last post I talked about how I felt afraid of investing in therapy because I don’t want to get hurt again. The therapist rebutted with an excellent point about how being in therapy can ultimately be the thing that helps me become less afraid that I will lose everything or be hurt by everyone.
She’s right. In general, I think that’s true. But I just don’t know if that’s possible for me.
I want so much to lean into this process with her and let things play out as they will. But it’s so frustrating to me that I’m somehow even further away from being able to trust than I was before I sought therapy again. It’s so unfair that this ridiculousness with Zooey created yet another barrier to human connection and placed yet another obstacle in my healing journey. That wasn’t supposed to happen! Therapists are supposed to help you, not make it worse.
And the truth is, I feel myself getting closer and closer to a line that I cannot uncross. I feel myself beginning to miss this therapist in between sessions. I find that I think about her and about our sessions more and more often, which feels absolutely terrifying.
Because the reality is clear: I am already invested.