Fear of Investing

Yesterday’s session was so tiring that I’m still feeling the effects of it today. I woke up late this morning feeling as though I’d been hit by a truck. It wasn’t until about 30 minutes before class ended that my brain seemed to actually work again.

Towards the end of session, I stopped to catch my breath and I actually said, “This is exhausting!” The therapist replied, “I can appreciate that. This is hard work you’re doing.”

And she’s right. But I wonder how sustainable it is.

I mentioned to her that the facilitator of the DID peer support group I attend has had the same therapist for nearly twenty years. That’s astounding both for its longevity and consistency. When asked what this person believes makes it work with her therapist, she said “Good boundaries” which made me both laugh out loud and internally scream.

I told the therapist that the last time I had dinner with my former therapist (from 2009), I asked her how much longer she thought I’d be in therapy. She immediately responded, “Five years. At least three …three to five.” Which was hard to take in, but I knew she was being honest with me.

So I talked about being overwhelmed by this idea of needing years if not decades of therapy. The therapist said, “Some people are in therapy for a long time, yes. But you love this process! Why does it worry you to think about being in therapy long-term?”

I mean, she’s not wrong. But she’s not right, either. Either way it really annoyed me that she said that. What does that mean? Does she think this is all just fun and games for me?!

I do love the process of working through my thoughts and patterns and having someone to bounce ideas off of. But that’s a natural part of how I go through this world. I’m a naturally self-reflective, introspective person who’s always looking for the deeper layers and pulling from various experiences to synthesize information. I don’t need to pay thousands of dollars to a therapist to do that…

I didn’t say that to her though. What I said was that therapy ultimately creates an additional investment. And with investment comes risk. I do not like feeling as though the things I’m invested in are at risk. Thus, as a general rule, I minimize my investment.  I like being in therapy for all the benefits I can gain from the process, but I despise how vulnerable and exposed it makes me feel. I hate feeling like it’s important to me. I hate feeling invested in either my therapist or the therapy itself. I hate having that much more to lose.

“Not being in therapy gives me one less thing to worry about. And that’s glorious.”

“Maybe. But I think what’s glorious is learning how to go through life in a way that doesn’t feel like everything is in danger of hurting you or being taken from you. And that’s what years of therapy can do.”

*Sigh*

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10 thoughts on “Fear of Investing

  1. myambivalentexistence says:

    Ugh. I can completely understand this. I feel both unhappy that I need therapy and afraid that at some point my therapist will be unavailable to me

    Liked by 1 person

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    I hate being so invested too. It feels like your clinging to the therapist. At least it does for me anyway. Like I need her, I’m not able to go it alone, independently, thats so scary. did therapy is longterm though. No doubt about that. XX

    Liked by 1 person

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