I wrote about roughly half of the session from Tuesday. The other half was spent talking about River and the unfortunately deteriorating situation with food. I’d alluded to there being some sort of disordered eating, but I haven’t been entirely upfront with her about how serious it is.
To be honest, it’s hard for me to even tell how serious it is.
I don’t feel hunger. At least not in the way I used to. I can’t feel the sensation of hunger or feel those “pangs” you get when you’re ravenous. I also don’t crave anything anymore. I have almost no physical connection to feeling hungry.
What I can feel, however, is the consequences of not properly fueling this body. I feel tired. Very tired. It’s hard for me to make the walk for my commute to school every morning. During yoga on Monday evening, I nearly passed out each time I had to switch to a standing pose.
I mentioned some of this to the therapist. I also mentioned that Wife has shared that she is getting increasingly worried about how little we eat. The therapist then asked me if I was worried.
“Of course I am. But Wife promised me she wouldn’t let me starve to death.”
“Has that been a concern in the past?”
“Eh, sorta. I mean, we had an eating disorder in junior high school. I don’t know much about it, but I know we were sent home from summer camp because the nurse was concerned about our health and part of why we were originally hospitalized was for eating disorder treatment…”
She just sort of looked at me for a moment. Then she said, “Do you think that River’s re-emerged restricting behavior is related to Zooey?”
“It started before that. But … yes.”
Then she said she’d really like to talk to River, but I explained that River is not keen on that. At all. She did talk to Zooey, but that was essentially the “final straw”. I think she was so baffled that sending us away to an intensive trauma program didn’t completely solve all of our problems that she just lost it. River took that pretty personal and also feels that she is getting the blame for Zooey walking away from us.
It’s complicated and hard to explain, but River definitely isn’t going to trust this therapist enough to come out in session and talk to her.
The therapist seemed disappointed, but didn’t freak out. She said that she doesn’t exactly know what to do, but she wants us to keep talking about this in any way that we can. She also said that if things get to a point where I need more or a specific type of intervention (beyond treatment with her) she will be sure that we spend a lot of time talking about it and make that decision together.
(She actually said this in part by doing an impression of Zooey based on conversations I’ve shared. She definitely threw some shade. It was hilarious. But I can tell it caught her off guard to reveal so much of her emotion about something because she quickly said, “Okay, I gave a little bit too much attitude there.” Which is true, but I sort of loved it.)
Anyway. There’s actually very little to report on this. I guess it’s just important that I told her the truth about how much (little?) we eat and that we’ve opened some kind of dialogue about it.