Getting Closer

Good (extra) session with the therapist tonight. I felt like I was more open and honest with her than I’ve ever been. I shared the things that scare me and frustrate me and hurt me about our interactions. She was very receptive and supportive. She said she often notices that she has a way of “shutting me down” mid-sentence and she wasn’t sure why/how that was happening, so this session gave her a lot more understanding of how to help facilitate the conversation in a way that helps me feel that the space is always open for me to share whatever I’d like.

She also shared that she isn’t exactly sure what to do when another part is out and in distress. I told her she can just ask for me by name and I’ll usually end up in the front somehow. I asked her if she wanted to know more about the system and she gave an enthusiastic “yes”. I mostly just told her how many parts there are. I only know that number because Julia drew a system map for Zooey last year. There are circles for each part and then various lines that indicate communication and relationships and such.

The therapist asked if there was anyway she could see the map so I told her I’d print off the picture I have of it (Zooey has the original copy…damn).  I’ll bring it to session tomorrow morning so she can see it. I think it will be good for her to start to learn more about the system.

I told her that it gets very hard for me to contain all of this mess when various parts are in and out of crisis. She mentioned that part of her thought process was to add more support in the form of brief phone calls, phone sessions, or an extra office session during particularly challenging times. Which…is fine. But it’s also going to be limited by financial means. And, also, I am wary of investing in her anymore.

All I want is for someone to help me contain all of this shit. She is offering me that. But now I just feel terrified that I will hand this over to her and then she’ll walk away and dump it all right back on me when I least expect it (and least capable of handling it).

I want to trust her so badly. With everything I am, I want to believe she will do right by me. But … I just can’t. Not yet.

I think I’m getting closer though.