Last Night

Last night turned out okay. That was last night, right? Seems so long ago…

Anyway. The therapist called me again around 9pm just to check in, which I thought was really wonderful of her to do. She’d said I could call her back after we spoke at 6:30, but I didn’t. So…it was cool that she took the initiative to call me again anyway.

We talked for about 20 minutes. I don’t remember much, but I know that at one point I told her I felt a very strong pull to just back out of this whole idea of therapy altogether. I said I was pondering the benefit of cutting my losses and just trying this alone again since I don’t seem to be responding very well to treatment anyway.

She acknowledged that it must be so difficult to forge ahead when it feels like everything is just getting gradually worse, but she sincerely believes that it’s the kind of “getting worse” that happens when things have the potential to eventually get better.

She admitted that she might not get this right. She might fail. She might end up being incompetent or negligent. She might end up abandoning me in some capacity. As much as that is terrifying to hear, I really appreciate that she at least knows and acknowledges that these are all real possibilities and very real fears of mine. She also said that she knows she cannot see the future. She doesn’t know what will happen anymore than I do, but she doesn’t think it’s time to throw in the towel just yet.

She didn’t outright ask me to trust her, but I sensed that was her underlying message.

Although I have absolutely no reason to trust her, the fact that she leaned into a crisis instead of pulling away from it makes me curious, if nothing else. She also seemed oddly comfortable with a situation in which she had no solid solution. I think I felt a lot of frustration and helplessness, but when I really think about the conversation, I don’t think she ever felt either of those things.

And she asks really great questions. We were able to piece together some important information about the system right now that I think will help her help us a little more.

Then, to my astonishment, she offered me an extra session tomorrow evening. She told me to think about it before I made a decision, so I did. I called her back today and I took the appointment.

I hope I can find a way to push through all of this fear and anxiety because it would be really lovely to walk out of that session feeling like I connected with her again. I’m so tired of feeling defensive and combative and…terrified. It sucks. I hate this chaos. I hate the noise and the darkness. I hate how utterly exhausted I always feel because we’re switching all the time and everyone’s fighting everyone, which takes so much damn energy.

I don’t need a miracle. But I do need…something. I need to believe she can do this, even if only for right now. Because this is awful and I don’t want to do it anymore.

22 thoughts on “Last Night

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    We relate to this. To the noise, the anxiety, the overwhelm. Sending you hugs and support. She seems like she knows what she’s doing. Maybe you can dip your toe in a little and trust a little bit more now? XX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Boost Connection says:

    It sucks that things have been so hard. I do like the sound of this therapist though. Leaning in is a good way to describe your interactions. And I like that she leans in without fanning the flames of crisis or minimizing what’s happening. A tough balance.

    You are doing the best you can, my dear. I admire you so much. I hope the space you two are creating continues to grow stronger and bigger with each interaction.


  3. Zoe says:

    Again I have to say. What I like about her is that she’s honest and has told you that she can fail. She doesn’t put her ego over you and gives you an honesty that you need. I also think that you do seem to be making the sort of progress you’ve been waiting for even if things are feeling out of control and just futile. I hope that whatever happens this experience is a stepping stone toward the recovery you deserve.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. thetherapyrelationship says:

    Kudos to the therapist for being attuned and seeing your need for increased support (i.e. the extra session tomorrow) and BIG kudos to you for accepting the support. We know this is not an easy task. Well done, both of you. Well done.
    With everything you have going on in your mind and body, doing as well on your practical(s) as you did required an immense amount of strength. I hope you are able to give yourself credit for how utterly strong YOU are.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tina says:

    Wow, I agree! She took the initiative, leaned into it, openly & comfortably admitted that she’s not perfect but she’s here for you. How comforting & reassuring! Damn! Don’t let her get away just yet! lol no, seriously though, I’m glad to hear that your “leaning into it” too. That’s awesome & hopefully I can borrow some of your courage tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. alicewithptsd says:

    Just sending you good thoughts. It sounds like you found a therapist who is honest and not easily shook up. From everything you have written about her, i believe she wants to help you, and won’t lie to you. I hope that your session brings some comfort today.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. sensuousamberville says:

    Andi, you mention trust a lot, I know this is important, more so with what happened with your last therapist. Trust is complex and takes time, I will bounce back to this. So now, go for comfort. I think you are finding comfort with her now, some of the others are also. Now she needs to get to know the system, even the others that you don’t talk with much or at all but feel. They will come out slowly and check her out as the also start to feel comfort, maybe not trust, but comfort. Some may never “trust” her, this is a part of the protection system, not to trust anymore.

    As she gets to know the system, and listens to each of your parts, work can be done to get them working together more. They may not know they want this yet, but they are all about protection, when they find ways to work together and make the system stronger whilst still being protected, more comfort will emerge. Complex huh?

    I think you found a winner Andi. Don’t quit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thank you, Amber. This is a wonderful, well thought-out comment and I take it very seriously. I think you are right about so many things. Complex? Yes. But probably not impossible.


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