I Will Keep Fighting

*Trigger warning for language*

I called the therapist on Friday night because it was utter chaos inside. Andi generally can’t seem to understand (or maybe she can’t tell) what is going on, but for those of us who mainly exist inside – it really sucks.

We have these “teams” that are split and we basically hate each other. I like to think I’m the leader of my team, which mainly consists of me, River, and some younger parts. Shadow-Man (SM) and Laura are sorta co-captains of the other team, which has some older, some younger parts. Rachel, who is team SM, is usually older than the body age. For some reason, she age slid back to 19 on Friday which really fucking pissed me off because I know she’s doing it to challenge me and I know SM is behind it. Rain, who is River’s twin, is “Switzerland”. She is always 100% neutral. She provides no more or less support to any particular part and sometimes that drives me fucking insane because I’m like, “Yo, help your sister!” Ugh. There are also parts that aren’t on teams, but only come out at certain times. Like 911. She only comes out when we’re in an emergency and need emergency help (hence her name).

Anyway. Whenever any of us on Team J (yes, I’m naming my team after myself) start to get closer to literally ANYONE, Team SM starts to go apeshit. Doesn’t matter if it’s a therapist, friend, coworker, classmate, random fucking stranger on the train, whatever… If SM senses that any of us might trust someone or “disclose” any secrets, the sirens start blaring and shit gets locked down.

It’s not pleasant. It’s torture. It’s hell. It’s war.

Charcoal sketch of Shadow Man

Charcoal sketch of Shadow Man

But I’m a defiant little bitch, so I fight them. They fight back. Hard. But I don’t care. I’m a protector and I will do anything to protect. If that means we need help, I will find a way to get it. I’m also the oldest part (well, I’m only 15, but I’ve been around the longest) so I’m pretty strong in the system. Not as strong as SM or Laura, but still strong. And I know a lot, which is important.

I told the therapist this when I talked to her on Saturday. I told her how they torture us. How they scream and yell and call us names. How SM taunts me – telling me I am dirty and worthless and I should just kill myself. How he says I let the abuse happen and (even worse) I failed to protect anyone at all. He says I’m useless as a protector and I only make things worse, so the system would be better off without me.

I hate him. HATE. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE.

He is the father. The mother. The grandfather. The uncle. The neighbor. The boys at the hospital. The roommate. The date. The boyfriend. The woman. The men. The police officers. The teachers. The doctors. The nurses. The therapists. The psychiatrists.

He is everyone who has ever hurt us. He is everyone who has ever ignored us. And he is cruel.

Laura is sickly sweet. She’s manipulative. She makes you think she’s on your side, but she’s not. She’s just trying to get us to trust her so she can hurt us or make us do what she wants. The Littles fall for this a lot, but not me. Not anymore. I know she’s just a psychotic cunt and I’m not doing her bidding ever again.

Zooey used to talk to them sometimes. She tried to reason with them. She told me that they don’t mean to be cruel, they are just trying to do THEIR jobs. She said we all have roles in the system based on how we think we can keep it safe. She said they don’t understand that they don’t have to hurt Team J to keep us safe. I started to believe her. Things started to feel different. SM was starting to chill out.

But then, as we all know, Zooey bailed. She left me alone…with NOTHING. And oh, did Laura laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh. She knew this would happen. She said it would. She said these types of people are not trustworthy. She said Zooey would leave. She said we would be too much. She said Zooey didn’t really love us.

tumblr_inline_nbyzouoRMK1sh9rbt

Charcoal sketch of Shadow Man

I wish she were wrong. (And maybe she is).

This new therapist kinda said the same thing – that we all have roles based on our old life. She said that maybe we need new roles or maybe we need to learn new ways to do the roles we’ve always had. Something like that. I dunno. I’m skeptical, but she was surprisingly nice to me. She didn’t have to be, but she was. And she was actually calm.

At one point, she really frustrated me because she was like, “Can you just be honest with me and tell me what you need? Can you tell me what would help you right now?”

Holy fucking shit that pissed me off. I just started panicking and yelling. I said, “Oh my god! If I knew how to help myself, I wouldn’t have called YOU!!! Why do people always think I’m secretly hiding some magical fucking solution and I just won’t do whatever it is to make things better?!”

She apologized. Sorta.

Regardless, I think at that moment she realized the utter helplessness that comes with being our therapist. Most of the time, there is no solution. Not in moments like that. Not when SM is screaming in my head and all I can think about is dragging metal across my skin.

But I will say this: once she stopped focusing on what would help me and just listened to what I had to say, I realized that THAT is actually exactly what I needed. I needed someone to listen. To hear me. To see me. To acknowledge how absolutely fucking awful this all is….And to give me hope. Which she did. She reminded me that as bad as this sucks, it can’t possibly last forever. And that, somehow, was enough to calm my crazy brain down enough to breathe again and think like a normal person.

Then, suddenly, I realized I had nothing left to say, so I said, “I’m gonna go now.”

She said, “Okay. Well, I’m here. If you need to reach out again, you can do that. If not, I will be here on Tuesday like always.”

I thought about that for a second. I didn’t like the way I felt when she said that. I quickly said, “Okay” and then I hung up the phone.

Team SM is not happy about this. They are scrambling and preparing for battle. But you know what? Bring it on.

I will keep fighting. 

-Julia

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11 thoughts on “I Will Keep Fighting

  1. Boost Connection says:

    You are indeed a fighter, my dear. A warrior, I would say. I picture you with full battle gear charging into battle on a horse to defend your team. And you are as strong and badass as you know you are. And an amazing protector, to boot. I admire you so much and I know you can overcome any challenge. Being around the longest means you have the most experience in helping you all survive.

    I know it’s difficult right now. But cooperation and respect are possible. The therapist is essentially right in what she says. What Team SM is saying/doing to you guys is very hurtful, but it is also the only way they know how to help or send warnings about perceived threats. I understand and value their wariness of outsiders, but the time is coming when they will need help recognizing that you all are different from who you were 5 or 10 or 25 years ago and your life has changed dramatically as well. The threats are not the same. Everyone in the system will need to adapt their roles and strengthen positive coping skills like you have this past year. But as you also know, that is hard effin’ work.

    Fight the good fight, J!

    Like

  2. Zoe says:

    Hey Julia. I relate a lot to your fire. And the artist in me is fascinated by the sketches. It made my hands twitch with the desire to hold charcoal again. I think listening is something a lot of therapists need to do instead of rushing to find solutions. Or asking us for what we want… it’s so frustrating… sometimes you just want someone to listen and acknowledge your feelings and thoughts.

    Like

  3. myambivalentexistence says:

    Go Julia !!!!! Keep being brave and sticking up for your team. It is the best thing you can do for the system in the long term. *hugs*

    Like

  4. Cat says:

    Hi Julia… the internal battle sounds bloody awful and it’s not nice that the others taunt you, especially about Zooey. That situation must be tough on everyone and it sounds like you’re all trying to cope in your own individual ways. I don’t know much about DID, but imagine you all have important roles to play within the system. I hope you can one day work together, but it’s going to be tough… I love your courage and determination, keep fighting and talking 🙂

    Like

  5. silentlistener2510 says:

    Hi J,

    Thank you for sharing so much about how things work inside for you.
    I’m sorry they taunt you and I have found it’s horrible when any bully/persecutory person has a grain of truth. ugh.

    They have to recover from battle just as you do.

    Listening if and when you want to write more.

    Like

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