Intuition And Trusting Myself

I think it’s very interesting that the therapist said the meaning behind the presence of dogs in a recent nightmare was perhaps to serve as my instinct/intuition since I don’t trust myself enough to determine if a situation was safe or not. I didn’t trust that I would know what was in front of me. I didn’t trust that I would know what was real.

Which reminded me that a few weeks ago, I tweeted this simple sentence:

Screen Shot 2015-03-29 at 1.44.02 PM

“My intuition was not wrong, I just didn’t trust it enough to listen. #Therapy”

At the time, I had been thinking a lot about what went wrong with Zooey and the role I played in it. I am mostly resolved to the fact that she is not a very good therapist person, but I think what has been most difficult for me to understand is how I didn’t see this coming.

How did I not predict that she would hurt me so badly? How could I have trusted her so blindly? How could I have not sensed and reacted to the fact that she was rapidly deteriorating right in front of my eyes each week?

But the more I talk about this in session with the therapist, the more she helps me understand that I absolutely saw this coming. I felt it. I wrote about it and brought all of those emotions and thoughts into session. I tried to talk about it. I knew that something was wrong. I knew that therapy didn’t feel okay and that my relationship with Zooey was beginning to feel very intense and toxic.

My intuition told me that something was wrong. My instincts said to get out of there. But I didn’t listen. I didn’t trust myself enough to listen.

Growing up in a household where people are both saying and doing completely incongruent things on a regular basis is crazy-making. I think “gaslighting” was essentially my biological parents’ go-to parenting skill. From a very young age I was consistently given the message that my intuition and instincts were wrong. I was called “over-sensitive”, “melodramatic”, “imaginative”. I was lied to about many things (including myself) and called a liar even when telling the absolute truth.

I was ultimately told that my perception and sense of reality was not valid. 

With that in mind, I can see why I didn’t walk away from treatment with Zooey even when my instincts were screaming at me to get the heck out of there before she hurt me even more. It also explains some of the blatantly precarious situations that myself and various other members of the system have found ourselves in throughout the last three decades.

When you’ve never been taught what is safe, how to keep yourself safe, or that you’re even worthy of being kept safe – it’s kinda hard to understand how to do so!

But I want better. For me. For us. For our life. I want to be able to trust myself and trust that I’m making the right decision.

I just don’t know how.

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18 thoughts on “Intuition And Trusting Myself

  1. Boost Connection says:

    This is an excellent post. Speak the truth! I would only add that there is the additional layer of invalidation we receive as women, where our thoughts and feelings are always called into question, minimized, invalidated, and ignored. How do any of us function in a world that tells us we can never trust ourselves?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. S.G says:

    Brilliant post. You have put into words very consisely what I’ve been wondering about. I too have really great intuition yet rarely trust it. I talk myself out of my gut feelings as over emotional, stupid, wrong etc. You’ve managed to explain something about why I never trust my instincts, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cat says:

    Sounds like we have very similar childhoods. I feel the same way about trust, which I’m trying to write about at the moment. I wonder if your experience with Zooey and the current T are lessons on how to feel and keep yourself safe.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Cat says:

        I think you’ve already learned something’s about keeping yourself safe from your experience with Zooey. Your T’s right about your intuition and I think you might be more aware next time of danger signs

        Liked by 1 person

      • Andi says:

        Oh yes, definitely. I think I learned a lot about how to be more cautious from the experience with Zooey. I am certainly trying to be more aware of the signs and then actually LISTEN when my instincts point them out to me.

        Like

  4. mm172001 says:

    I really relate to this. I also grew up in a home where things were erratic and chaotic and was told I was over-sensitive and exaggerating or having the wrong perspective. It gets so bad sometimes I even doubt I have real mental illnesses and that I just made this all up. Thanks for the post, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this and reminds me to take my intuition a little serious.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Wow. It’s so incredible how similar our lives were growing up. I’m very sorry either of us had to endure this. Thank you for sharing part of your story with me, Marcie ❤

      Like

  5. manyofus1980 says:

    I think, when we grow up with toxic parents, or parents who treat us badly, we tend to thinnk its all we deserve, so, even tho you knew something was really wrong in the relationship with Zooey, you stuck with it, hoping it wasnt? Or maybe you figured that nobody else would touch you once the did was diagnosed? Its complex, but you can work through all the thoughts feelings with the new therapist. XX

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Absolutely. I think I was very much hoping things would work out with Zooey because I loved her and cared about her so much. And when she dropped me, I was definitely terrified that no one would want to treat me with the DID diagnosis (or even think I COULD be helped!). But I’ve been talking these thoughts and emotions through both here and in session and I’m feeling a lot better about it. Thank you for your sweet comments xo

      Like

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