Last night I had a horrible nightmare.
This is not uncommon, especially if I wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep. But what was especially interesting about this nightmare is that the therapist I’ve been seeing was part of it.
This is the first dream I’ve had that somehow involved her. I used to dream about Zooey every so often (usually where she was abandoning or hurting me somehow) and I once had a graphically violent nightmare about her that I shared in session (which, of course, we never talked about). Looking back, I wish we had somehow talked about it because it’s filled with important symbolism and subconscious messaging from various Insiders. Maybe I will be able to eventually process it in my current treatment instead…
Anyway. So in the dream, I’m a lot younger (like 13) and the thinnest I’ve ever been. I assume a lot of this dream had to do with River somehow. She identifies as 13 years old and from what I understand (and also seems fairly obvious) she is the part with disordered eating and probably the part that was most invested in our time involved with dance.
I was also living in my childhood home. My biological parents were facing serious financial issues, per usual. They announced to my siblings and I that they had “lost the house” and thus we all had to move out immediately. Since they had no way to buy a new house, we had to stay with a family friend temporarily.
I do NOT like this family friend. Well, actually, she’s dead now. She adopted a child when I was about 18 and then decided my bio parents would be granted custody of said child should anything happen to her (since they were SUCH GOOD PARENTS). Then she up and got terminal cancer, so now that little girl is in the custody of my shitty parents and legally my 13 year old sister (hmm, another “13”).
In the dream, I was beyond distressed about this situation. I was hysterical and losing my mind. Then, for whatever reason, I broke out into this lyrical dance routine that I performed in a beautiful lavender chiffon costume in front of my entire family. At this point I was sorta watching myself perform as well, from outside the body. I looked frail and weak and utterly devoid of hope. But the dance itself was remarkable.
Once it was over, I went back into hysterics. I did not want to move to this bitch’s house. I did not want to be with my bio family. I did not want to be in that house or that town or near those people. I was just running around screaming and my bio parents were taunting and berating me and just being total assholes about my undesirable reaction to their sudden announcement. I felt like an insane person.
At some point I got my hands on a land-line phone and called the therapist. I couldn’t even tell you the FIRST digit of her phone number, so I have no idea how I pulled that off, but I did (that’s the nature of dreams, I suppose). I got her voicemail so I left a message begging her to help me – to figure out how to get me out of there and away from these people.
Strangely, in the dream her voicemail recording was personalized to me, specifically regarding this situation – as if she’d been expecting this exact phone call. I can’t remember it verbatim, but I know she was reassuring me that I would be okay and that she would help me, which calmed me down a lot and then the nightmare ended.
I don’t know exactly what this means, but I know it’s important. I already have so much I want to talk about in session tomorrow, but I think I might bring this up as well. I have a feeling she’ll want to hear about this dream.
Also, dream therapist is exponentially better than dream Zooey, even though technically all the therapist did was record a voicemail message. Hmm.