Nightmare

Last night I had a horrible nightmare.

This is not uncommon, especially if I wake up in the middle of the night and fall back asleep. But what was especially interesting about this nightmare is that the therapist I’ve been seeing was part of it.

This is the first dream I’ve had that somehow involved her. I used to dream about Zooey every so often (usually where she was abandoning or hurting me somehow) and I once had a graphically violent nightmare about her that I shared in session (which, of course, we never talked about). Looking back, I wish we had somehow talked about it because it’s filled with important symbolism and subconscious messaging from various Insiders. Maybe I will be able to eventually process it in my current treatment instead…

Anyway. So in the dream, I’m a lot younger (like 13) and the thinnest I’ve ever been. I assume a lot of this dream had to do with River somehow. She identifies as 13 years old and from what I understand (and also seems fairly obvious) she is the part with disordered eating and probably the part that was most invested in our time involved with dance.

I was also living in my childhood home. My biological parents were facing serious financial issues, per usual. They announced to my siblings and I that they had “lost the house” and thus we all had to move out immediately. Since they had no way to buy a new house, we had to stay with a family friend temporarily.

I do NOT like this family friend. Well, actually, she’s dead now. She adopted a child when I was about 18 and then decided my bio parents would be granted custody of said child should anything happen to her (since they were SUCH GOOD PARENTS). Then she up and got terminal cancer, so now that little girl is in the custody of my shitty parents and legally my 13 year old sister (hmm, another “13”).

In the dream, I was beyond distressed about this situation. I was hysterical and losing my mind. Then, for whatever reason, I broke out into this lyrical dance routine that I performed in a beautiful lavender chiffon costume in front of my entire family. At this point I was sorta watching myself perform as well, from outside the body. I looked frail and weak and utterly devoid of hope. But the dance itself was remarkable.

Once it was over, I went back into hysterics. I did not want to move to this bitch’s house. I did not want to be with my bio family. I did not want to be in that house or that town or near those people. I was just running around screaming and my bio parents were taunting and berating me and just being total assholes about my undesirable reaction to their sudden announcement. I felt like an insane person.

At some point I got my hands on a land-line phone and called the therapist. I couldn’t even tell you the FIRST digit of her phone number, so I have no idea how I pulled that off, but I did (that’s the nature of dreams, I suppose). I got her voicemail so I left a message begging her to help me – to figure out how to get me out of there and away from these people.

Strangely, in the dream her voicemail recording was personalized to me, specifically regarding this situation – as if she’d been expecting this exact phone call. I can’t remember it verbatim, but I know she was reassuring me that I would be okay and that she would help me, which calmed me down a lot and then the nightmare ended.

I don’t know exactly what this means, but I know it’s important. I already have so much I want to talk about in session tomorrow, but I think I might bring this up as well. I have a feeling she’ll want to hear about this dream.

Also, dream therapist is exponentially better than dream Zooey, even though technically all the therapist did was record a voicemail message. Hmm.

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17 thoughts on “Nightmare

  1. Anxious Mom says:

    The suckiness of that dream aside, the part about the therapist is really interesting. Will be interesting (there’s that word again) to see what she thinks that her role in the dream symbolizes.

    Here’s to a nightmare-free sleep tonight before your appointment and practice stuff tomorrow!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Boost Connection says:

    Nightmares are effin’ exhausting. They keep you in that horrible half-awake stage so you never quite fall into REM sleep.

    It’s interesting that it was both a River dream and about the therapist. Definitely a lot of interpretation and meaning available for discussion there!

    Sending positive vibes 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Zoe says:

    I’m infinitely interested in dreams and no doubt that for a lot of us who went through crap they can be very telling. I hope you’re able to bring this up and get feedback on it from the therapist.

    (I especially find the number pattern very symbolic too.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jay says:

    Wow, what a hectic nightmare… lots of elements to it. Excited on your behalf to hear what your therapist has to say 🙂 Call it synchronicity or coincidence but I also had a dream a few weeks ago involving a call to my therapist and getting his voicemail. Although mine wasn’t personalised HA HA.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ellen says:

    I wonder if in an interior sense, you are still living back in this upsetting confused family situation, and that’s reflected in your dream. And I suppose the T in the dream could be your actual T, or some inner calming, helping figure as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      I definitely think that’s possible. It FELT linked to being back home and feeling vulnerable to that situation. The therapist in the dream was my actual T – it was her voice in the recording anyway. I told her about it today and she said it’s a “good sign” 🙂

      Like

  6. S.G says:

    It’s interesting how in your dream this therapist anticipated your needs and met them before you even knew you needed her by recording a message for you. She couldn’t physically be with you by picking up the phone herself but she still found a way to meet your needs by recording a comforting message in advance for you to access anytime. It’s also really interesting how your dreams of Zooey were constantly about abandonment, I wonder if your subconsious sensed that she wasn’t right for you? It’s a really good sign that your new therapist has a positive role in your dreams, I think.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Cat says:

    I love dreams, although I am cautious of the generalised interpretations. I heard a dream expert say recently that our dreams are messages from our subconscious and with that in mind, the Therapist part of the dream sounds like you are anticipating she will help you to process all the childhood crap. I will be interested to hear what the T thinks. I also wonder how much this is related to your recent trip and whether the dance part is your spirit rising above them and your past life with them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      I take most dream interpretations as just another possible angle to process and understand myself. Sometimes the symbolism is really obvious, but other times it’s less clear. I like getting others perspectives on those. I certainly think this indicates some level of trust or hope regarding the therapist. And I am sure it ties into the recent trip a lot. The dance part I feel less sure of.

      Liked by 1 person

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