Perfect Dissociation 

Screen Shot 2015-04-14 at 8.56.36 PMEverything and everyone feels so far away right now. It all seems very distance and inaccessible. I know this is my body and my life, but it is intertwined with a strong sense of “otherness”. This is a life that is both mine and yet not at all mine.

The influence of Insiders is powerful lately, possibly due to traveling “home”. It can be difficult to understand which thoughts and emotions are truly mine, if any. There is a constant push and pull.

It’s often hard to remember things. Not just from long ago. Sometimes from today or last week. Yesterday I was walking to the train around 5pm and I couldn’t remember a single thing I had done earlier in the day. I understood that I had been at class and I knew why, but otherwise it was blank.

I sat in therapy today and everything felt disjointed – I couldn’t make any sense out of why I had ever been there before or what I was trying to achieve by being there. It felt surreal and almost silly to be sitting in that chair.

It can be hard to follow along with things. Someone will speak to me and it will take up to a minute or so for me to process that they were indeed speaking to me and they are expecting a response. It’s hard to understand that I’m a person living in a social world where I am supposed to partake in living, dynamic interactions. I forget how sometimes.

Mostly it seems like I have to walk behind myself to pick up the pieces and put them together in a way that makes sense. My our body is just a vessel. I can mostly move through the motions of it, but I am beginning to realize just how much I must miss in daily life. I feel like a robot.

I described a lot of this in session this afternoon. I had nothing else to say to the therapist because I couldn’t connect to any person or part of my life enough to speak about it. She listened intently to my jumbled and incomplete thoughts and said it was a perfect description of dissociation. 

Well good. If I’m going to do something – I might as well do it perfectly.

Which reminds me – she also said it was interesting to hear me talk about this because I usually focus so much on speaking in “perfect sentences” with “perfect words” and articulating myself perfectly. She was excited to be able to hear me speak in fragments since that is the way I experience most of my life: fragmented.

True. And also kinda weird considering I just wrote this post about letting go of the perfect. Hmm.

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14 thoughts on “Perfect Dissociation 

  1. Boost Connection says:

    It sounds like quite a challenge to live that way, even if you have no comparison. I’m so glad you spoke about it to the therapist though, because she should have an understanding of how you experience the world (even when you don’t like how you experience it). I’m proud of you for plowing forward, my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sensuousamberville says:

    The “perfect” is guarded, protected. It is with a wall, perhaps a defense mechanism. You are perhaps trusting her more now, and the wall is being lowered.

    Do you feel yourself enter a dissociative state? Or know when you are in one?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Katy Messier says:

    I can relate a lot to this – I go through periods when I feel the same way. Nothing feels real and it’s hard to remember even who I am or how everyone around me fits into my life. I think it’s really good you are able to talk to your therapist about it – even if it means the walls come back up – it’s a step forward.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cat says:

    This is really difficult to do in therapy. I had a similar session with my Therapist recently and it really did help to develop our relationship and trust. I hope it does the same for you and your T

    Like

  5. manyofus1980 says:

    I hate dissociation! Try to see what message the parts are trying to give you by disjointing things? Usually there is something behind it. Its the figuring out of what that something is that can be difficult. XX

    Liked by 1 person

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