Everything and everyone feels so far away right now. It all seems very distance and inaccessible. I know this is my body and my life, but it is intertwined with a strong sense of “otherness”. This is a life that is both mine and yet not at all mine.
The influence of Insiders is powerful lately, possibly due to traveling “home”. It can be difficult to understand which thoughts and emotions are truly mine, if any. There is a constant push and pull.
It’s often hard to remember things. Not just from long ago. Sometimes from today or last week. Yesterday I was walking to the train around 5pm and I couldn’t remember a single thing I had done earlier in the day. I understood that I had been at class and I knew why, but otherwise it was blank.
I sat in therapy today and everything felt disjointed – I couldn’t make any sense out of why I had ever been there before or what I was trying to achieve by being there. It felt surreal and almost silly to be sitting in that chair.
It can be hard to follow along with things. Someone will speak to me and it will take up to a minute or so for me to process that they were indeed speaking to me and they are expecting a response. It’s hard to understand that I’m a person living in a social world where I am supposed to partake in living, dynamic interactions. I forget how sometimes.
Mostly it seems like I have to walk behind myself to pick up the pieces and put them together in a way that makes sense.
My our body is just a vessel. I can mostly move through the motions of it, but I am beginning to realize just how much I must miss in daily life. I feel like a robot.
I described a lot of this in session this afternoon. I had nothing else to say to the therapist because I couldn’t connect to any person or part of my life enough to speak about it. She listened intently to my jumbled and incomplete thoughts and said it was a perfect description of dissociation.
Well good. If I’m going to do something – I might as well do it perfectly.
Which reminds me – she also said it was interesting to hear me talk about this because I usually focus so much on speaking in “perfect sentences” with “perfect words” and articulating myself perfectly. She was excited to be able to hear me speak in fragments since that is the way I experience most of my life: fragmented.
True. And also kinda weird considering I just wrote this post about letting go of the perfect. Hmm.