My Plea

To the system,

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to calm down. All I know is that if this doesn’t stop and I can’t get control of the eating again, I will most definitely lose my mind. We will lose it all. 

This is no good. This is not right. Can you not see??

A week is too long. 10 days?! Ha! What is this? Why do I not matter? How is this not important?!!! 

Everything is wrong. Spinning. Loud. Insane. Stop. Put down the spoon. Think! Let me decide. Let me choose. This is not for you. You…are not strong. You are not wise. You will ruin everything. 

Everything. Everything is fragile. In balance. A choreographed dance. Listen to me! I am the dancer. I can walk this thin line. I can hold us up. I will keep us light. 

Lightness. Air. Safety. High…up up up up. Feel the wind, my dears. Float. Fly with me. 

I leave you alone. Do as you will: 

Hide your blades. Smoke your smokes. Have your sex. Read your books. Phone your friend. Color your picture. Sit in that comfy chair and tell all our secrets. Tell all your lies. Yell. Scream. Cry. Laugh. 

I don’t give a fuck about any of that. 

Just let me control the food. Please. Give this back to me before it’s too late. I ask for nothing else. Nothing. 

Allow me this. Give it back. Let me matter. 




25 thoughts on “My Plea

  1. kat says:

    oh im so sorry you are having such a hard time with the ED right now, and with all those you share space with who are involved. i hope you all are able to come to some way to allow you to control the eating for now, during this ‘crisis’ stage. it is good for all of you for you to be in charge of it right now. warm and caring thoughts coming your way.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Tina says:

    Addressed to ED or Mia instead of the system …. I could have do written this. I can totally relate & that’s exactly how I’m feeling. The fear is unbearable for me right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sara J says:

    Oh my dear, I love you so much and I’m sorry you’re feeling so out of control right now. I just want you to know that you matter to me, and I hope you can work things out with the system so you all can continue to feel strong and healthy, and find some peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Sara its so cool that you read this blog. We haven’t seen you in a long time. Sometimes I see your pictures and stuff though. These are very nice things you say. I am not good at emotional stuff but thanks for saying it. Peace would be great. -River


  4. manyofus1980 says:

    River, I hear you. I feel the same way you do regarding food. I just want to control things, control what goes in our mouth. I’m sorry your having food issues too. It sucks. Carol anne XX


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