I Didn’t Mean To Do That

Yesterday’s session went by like a shot. I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get through, but I spent the first 40 minutes discussing the Request for Professional Review. As soon as I mentioned that I’d sent out one for Zooey, the therapist said, “Wow! What prompted that?” which made me really paranoid.

However, I expected to have a strong reaction to her reaction, no matter what it was. So instead of letting that derail me for an entire session, I just asked her why she asked that specific question. She said, “It’s just that it hasn’t been brought up before, so I’m curious if something happened or what made you decide to do that.” Which made a lot of sense because she’s right, I hadn’t even mentioned the possibility of sending out an RPR. I hadn’t wanted to bring it up with her. I explained that I’d been considering filing some sort of complaint essentially since Zooey terminated, but I was so locked into preserving the relationship and feeling so guilty ashamed over being “too much” as a client that I couldn’t justify doing so. Between the whole voicemail fiasco and the wonderful conversation I had with my friend (the therapist), I finally had the objectivity I needed to move forward.

The therapist said I was definitely justified in my decision and that she thinks a mediation might be good for me as well as for Zooey. She thinks that perhaps having a conversation with an objective third-party in the room to keep Zooey on track and aware of her behavior might be just what both of us need. I shared my predication that Zooey will be pretty upset about this and likely double-down on her affirmation that she went “above and beyond” in her treatment with me (ugh). She might even lean into this idea that I’m the mental patient and thus lacking in objectivity and reality. Who knows. I’m prepared for the worst, but hoping for the best.

The therapist asked me what my goals or expectations were. I told her that I wasn’t entirely sure, but that I mostly just want someone to take note of Zooey’s behavior. I know she won’t get some major sanction against her, but maybe just having some eyes on her practice might be enough to make her really think about how she conducts herself, especially in regards to termination. The therapist agreed. I’m glad I brought it up because she was very supportive and now this is something we can keep talking about as/if the process unfolds.

But I also wanted to talk about the two year anniversary of being estranged from my family. As I mentioned in this post, I printed out the voicemail transcripts and then played the messages. I was so nervous to even ask if I could play them for her. Once she said yes, I shared that this is something I’d always wanted to do with Zooey, but I never trusted her enough. She asked me why, but I just said “Oh boy…that’s for another day” because I wanted to be sure we could get through the messages and talk about them a bit before I had to go.

But then I totally regretted my statement because I realized that by admitting that I didn’t trust Zooey enough to ask her to hear the voicemails, I was ALSO indirectly admitting that I do trust this therapist enough to ask her to listen.

Gah!!! I did not mean to do that!

I also shared that right after Zooey terminated, I felt like such a loser and shitty client that I took all of the things I’d been allowing to seep out and pulled everything back into me, holding onto it as tightly as I could. I wanted to be the best version of my client-self and be as contained and calm as possible so that I wouldn’t overwhelm someone else. I explained that I’m beginning to feel things gradually slipping away from me and it’s getting harder and harder to hold onto it all. The therapist asked me why I thought that was happening and I said, “Because it’s too hard. I’m exhausted. I can’t do it anymore.”

She smiled and said, “Good.”

Which, fuck it all, means she probably recognizes that I’m beginning to let my guard down and maybe inching a little closer towards allowing her to help me contain all of this pain and heartbreak and darkness that plagues me and weighs so damn much.

I didn’t mean to do that, either. Shit.


38 thoughts on “I Didn’t Mean To Do That

  1. Life in a Bind - BPD and me says:

    I know it’s very scary but it’s also awesome that you’re trusting her with things you hadn’t trusted another therapist with before. You are painting a wonderful picture of her and it really feels like we’re getting to know her as well as you. She sounds like a very special person and talented therapist and I’m excited for your journey with her. Take care….

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Aww, thank you! This comment is so lovely! It IS scary, but writing about it here and getting feedback like this makes such a tremendous difference in how I approach therapy with her.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Devin says:

    I think that no matter what happens (and how scary it is), it is good that you are following through with the Zooey thing. It gives you a little power back, that she took from you. Even if she doesn’t grow from it, I believe you will. And that’s the important part! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Katy Messier says:

    I can so relate to this with my current therapy situation – the fear is pretty awful. I think it’s great she’s giving you that time to get to these places on your own terms – that is so important. As scary as it feels – maybe this can be a happy accident in the end?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Very cool that you can relate (always good to know I’m not alone with this stuff!). Yes, I think it’s pretty cool that she’s letting me sorta figure this out at my own pace. Although it’s strange and thus scary, I HOPE it will work out in the end 🙂


  4. Anxious Mom says:

    I’m glad to hear the therapist is supportive of the RPR. That makes me think she must be rather confident in her own abilities as well as how she handles things ethically. (Hehe, typed “ethnically” at first.)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. lilylanders30 says:

    It sounds like you are going through/have gone through a lot. It’s really too bad what Zooey did to you, some people should not be therapists or the such. You are not too much, she was just incompetent in the job she was doing. I often feel that I’m “too much” for people too, especially those I care about. I always expect the worst it seems. It’s good to let your guard down and start peeling away the layers and doing it with someone you’re comfortable with and trust. I congratulate you for all that you’ve accomplished so far!!! Godspeed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andi says:

      Thanks. I’m sorry you also have that “too much” feeling. The therapist asked me to expand on this, but I struggle to even explain it – it’s so inherent to how I experience myself, you know? Thanks for the encouragement! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Zoe says:

    You know, as I was reading all of this I had a thought. Now, it may be coming out of nowhere and make no sense, but… but…

    The way I feel it here is you’ve been ready to let go for so long. It’s not so much that you trust her or that you want her, but rather that YOU need to let go. When you answered that you were exhausted I thought that pretty much summed up a lot of what’s happening here. You see that she has handled herself well and quite professionally, and all of this is tumbling out due to how ready you’ve been.

    I also find it really insightful when you mentioned how you just pulled everything back in. You know how maybe when you just do your laundry you fold things into the drawer carefully. So maybe the drawer is really full, with random articles of clothes, but it was all inside. When you began taking it out with Zooey, things got unfolded and messy. Then, when all of that was out, you threw it back in the drawer. Things won’t fit quite the same when you just dump it back, when it’s been scattered and tossed with other stuff. Which is what I keep seeing here.

    So when you try to show the therapist one thing, all this other stuff jumps out because it wasn’t put back quite as well as it had been for a while.

    I don’t know maybe I’m reading too much into it. I always feel like I don’t know if I should be this studious since I don’t want to sway or influence or say anything that upsets or hurts you. But I honestly think that what’s happening here is that you’ve been ready for so long and if these people could just stop being shitty professionals, stick with you until the end, you could finally be on your way.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Andi says:

      Reading this I can say that I 100% agree. You were able to articulate something that I haven’t quite been able to work out. And it is that sense that I am so utterly ready to just LET GO and have someone there to be in this space with me. Because, yes, Zooey did invite me to unpack my drawers. So I did. But then I had to frantically shove everything back in and now they’re chock full and a hot mess. It’s getting too hard to deal with it all and I DESPERATELY need to pull some of it back out. So, yes, I think if someone could just stand by me through the thick of it, I could probably really shine on the other side…


  7. Tina says:

    Her question, “Wow, what prompted that?” would have triggered a guarded reaction from me … for sure. Sounds like she handled it well. Touchy topic & now that you put it out there, you won’t have to dread broaching the subject going forward. Whew …. courageous!!!💜

    Liked by 1 person

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