nosleep-617x416Although I’ve been feeling better overall, the last couple of nights have been riddled with nightmares. I prefer not to call them that, so usually when I’ve had such a night I just tell my wife that my sleep was “dreamy”.

I take a medication specifically to keep my arousal response from becoming too activated, and it works…sorta. I seem to have less terrifying dreams with less horror and violence. However, I’ve noticed the intensely graphic and severe panic-inducing dreams have been replaced with dreams that are still rather distressing, but much harder to actually wake up from. So the result is these drawn-out scenes that create a lower arousal response, but for a much longer time. So although I’m technically asleep for a fairly decent amount of time, the actual sleep I’m getting is very low quality.

It took all I had to make it through my three hour class this morning. I thought I was going to pass out on the spot about 24 times.

Also, these dreams don’t even seem to be mine lately. Last night’s dream was entirely related to fear and anxiety around eating. The two nights before that were related to high school and a life formerly lived. Since I am not a part with disordered eating and I don’t even have my own memories from our time in high school, it would seem other parts are working out their shit during sleepy times. Thanks, guys.

Or, it could be this asshole introject part that has a tendency to “send” terrible thoughts, emotions, sensations, memories, and dreams to the rest of us for the sake of creating internal chaos. Which wouldn’t be particularly surprising considering the relationship we’ve begun forging with a new therapist. He’s not a fan of such things.

So, really, I have no idea what the hell is going on. All I know is that every single time I fall asleep, I spend the majority of that time in and out of nightmares that range from annoying to frightening. I was hopeful this medicine would help more, but apparently sub-hyperarousal is the best I’m gonna get for now.


10 thoughts on “Dreamy

  1. Boost Connection says:

    I wish there was an easy solution to this. Sleep disturbances are a huge issue in mental health and only now gaining real recognition for the damaging effects they have on overall health. Wishing you had that Dreamless Sleep potion from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sam Ruck says:

    Do you ever sleep with any of the others in your system? My wife had one girl who had nightly nightmares until I suggested that she start sleeping inside with her sister. Most of the nightmares disappeared as soon as they started doing that. Obviously I can’t promise you anything, but it worked for us.

    I’m sorry for the distress you are under. I hope you find a solution that works for you.



  3. Zoe says:

    I’ve had “nightmares” for as long as I can remember. Part of the reason why I developed insomnia was because if I “tired myself enough” (basically working until I passed out) I didn’t remember the dreams in the morning. The Latuda helped for the first month, until the nightmares kicked up again. The only thing that seemingly knocks me out is Xanax. My psych ARNP wanted to see if I could go to a “sleep clinic” since she believes these are “night terrors” and there may be a problem neurologically that I have “ignored.” (I am a ninja when I sleep.)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cat says:

    OMG this took me back to when I went through something similar, still do occasionally. You’re right, it is poor quality sleep, but we also wake feeling exhausted from the dream, especially if it is a bad one with lots of fear and adrenaline. I used to waken feeling exhausted and angry about whatever was in my vivid dream, an absolute pain in the butt 🙂 I was listening to a dream expert on radio recently who says there’s no such thing as a bad dream, they are all messages from our subconscious and usually up for interpretation

    Liked by 1 person

    • Andie says:

      Hmm. I like the idea of no “bad” dreams. I just wish I knew what the message was from my subconscious so I could answer it and we could stop having such dreams. Thanks for commenting! It’s always so reassuring to know others can relate 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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