Dreamy

Although I’ve been feeling better overall, the last couple of nights have been riddled with nightmares. I prefer not to call them that, so usually when I’ve had such a night I just tell my wife that my sleep was “dreamy”.

I take a medication specifically to keep my arousal response from becoming too activated, and it works…sorta. I seem to have less terrifying dreams with less horror and violence. However, I’ve noticed the intensely graphic and severe panic-inducing dreams have been replaced with dreams that are still rather distressing, but much harder to actually wake up from. So the result is these drawn-out scenes that create a lower arousal response, but for a much longer time. So although I’m technically asleep for a fairly decent amount of time, the actual sleep I’m getting is very low quality.

It took all I had to make it through my three hour class this morning. I thought I was going to pass out on the spot about 24 times.

Also, these dreams don’t even seem to be mine lately. Last night’s dream was entirely related to fear and anxiety around eating. The two nights before that were related to high school and a life formerly lived. Since I am not a part with disordered eating and I don’t even have my own memories from our time in high school, it would seem other parts are working out their shit during sleepy times. Thanks, guys.

Or, it could be this asshole introject part that has a tendency to “send” terrible thoughts, emotions, sensations, memories, and dreams to the rest of us for the sake of creating internal chaos. Which wouldn’t be particularly surprising considering the relationship we’ve begun forging with a new therapist. He’s not a fan of such things.

So, really, I have no idea what the hell is going on. All I know is that every single time I fall asleep, I spend the majority of that time in and out of nightmares that range from annoying to frightening. I was hopeful this medicine would help more, but apparently sub-hyperarousal is the best I’m gonna get for now.