Screen Shot 2015-02-24 at 7.32.16 PMI kept a running list of all the sessions I had with Zooey. I recorded the dates of each session, whether they happened in her office or on the phone, and whether or not an office session was extended due to some sort of “crisis” or if a phone session was due to an urgent or emergency issue. Today, I went over that list and did a little math to determine the ratio of each type. Here are my results:

82 sessions total (100%)
69 regular office sessions (84.1%)
2 sessions with Wife included (2.4%)
13 extended office sessions (15.8%)
13 phone sessions total (15.8%)
1 phone session with Wife only (1.2%)
9 planned phone sessions (10.9%)
4 “emergency” phone sessions (4.8%)
17 “irregular sessions” (20.7%)

That means we literally spent 1/5th of our time on unscheduled crisis management. Maybe 1 out of 5 interactions seems like a lot, but it’s also important to note that not every unplanned session had the same duration as a full 45 minute session. There were also a few shorter phone calls (5-15 minutes, some planned, some not), both scheduled and unplanned text interactions, and several e-mails that we sent her (non-emergent and always with her explicit permission).

Also, in the final 3 months of therapy, I only had one session that went over time and one crisis phone session. Zooey stated that I wasn’t getting better and new issues were coming up. Well, maybe, but as I just stated, the amount of crises I was experiencing was decreasing. So, to me, that is evidence that I was indeed getting better and also learning how to manage my symptoms better.

Why is this important? Well, maybe it’s not. But Zooey made such a clear effort to point out how much time we’d spent in crisis together that I ended up internalizing it in a very shameful way. I walked away from treatment feeling like total shit about myself for needing so much “extra” care and attention.

But when you crunch the numbers, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it originally seemed. I think it’s a pretty big deal that 80% of the time, we just had regular therapeutic interactions as planned. Especially considering that I was uncovering a lot of intense trauma and dealing with the sudden realization that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (as well as the emergence of parts interacting with Zooey regarding their own issues and concerns). These are not small issues, people!

So, honestly, Zooey can fuck off. This wasn’t about me being too much or needing a specialist or needing more attention and care. This was about me needing someone who knew what the hell they were doing and could handle sitting with the difficult shit I had to bring to the therapeutic space. Turns out that person was NOT Zooey, but you know what? That’s not my damn fault. Zooey did say that she was “not enough” for me, but she always said it within the context that she wasn’t enough because I needed more. No, lady, you just weren’t enough. And I’m sorry that you couldn’t handle that.

So thanks a lot for then taking that out on me….your fucking client. Real nice.

P.S. I also think it’s kind of sad that I kept such a list. How awful must I have felt about myself to keep a literal record of how much extra time I was taking out of this woman’s life???

12 thoughts on “Math

  1. Zoe says:

    Look at that beautiful math that exposed the total bullshit (pardon my lack of better word.) I wish professionals would drop their textbook definitions of “better” and LOOK at their PATIENT and realize they are a unique case. You can’t apply formulas like “if a patient doesn’t show X by Y amount of time then the treatment is a failure,” and instead look at YOU. That’s what I get out of all this: that she was going off some statistics, some textbook, some ideal that SHE made for YOU. Since you didn’t conform to her goals/plans and became “too much” to handle…

    *takes a deep breathe* I’m sorry. I just. I really think what happened with her was total shit and you don’t deserve any of it. Seeing how she’s the professional and was with you for so long she should have KNOWN how you’d end up feeling with the way things ended. That she did it anyways… well, it says a lot about her professionalism.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. CC says:

    I just want to say, I know I am new to your blog, but I am not, sadly new to the world of therapy.
    I think it is great how you have been processing through this horrible experience you had with Zooey. I feel like therapists, and this is my own opinion, so please take it as that…. many do not know how to handle DID clients. They fuck up, take it out on us, and leave us very vulnerable.
    I am very sorry for your experience and I loved your post. A good fuck off I find very validating and use it quite often.
    Good thoughts. -CC

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Anxious Mom says:

    I’m glad you did keep records. It’s a shame that Zooey was concerned more about protecting her ego than her client. Or that’s how what she said comes off anyway. I’m glad you are seeing more proof that it’s not you. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Fumbling Through Therapy says:

      I actually think that a LOT of it had to do with her ego. As therapists, they tend to invest a great deal of their self-worth in their ability to help people. That’s why they went into the field. I think she just couldn’t handle the fact that she was out of her skill range with me.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. plf1990 says:

    Oh goodness I’m so glad you did keep these records because this is the proof you need to reassure yourself that she was the one who was not enough. Not you.

    Time for a deep breath, and a nice big loud ‘so fuck right off’ in your exhale. Supporting you x

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ellen says:

    I don’t think you need proof. Even if you had one hundred emergency sessions in three months, you would not have been at fault. It was Zoey’s responsibility to hold her boundaries to keep the therapy safe and productive for both of you. If there were too many sessions, she should have given you less – her responsibility to set that boundary. In real life, there are often more grey zones, but for this, I think it’s black and white. She had the troubles, the insecurities, the bad training – and you got hurt. Believe in yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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