One of Those Days

7d44bc8ecf9194d90149393672ed0c1aToday was one of those days where I consistently wanted to either scream, cry, or jump off my roof. Or maybe some combination of the three. I hate days like this.

I am not even sure what my issue is. Possibly the culmination of lack of sleep combined with hormones, malnutrition, stress, and constant switching. When my dissociative symptoms are worse, everything else just goes to shit. I get these persistent headaches that tip in and out of migraine territory as they please.

Plus I’m admittedly still reeling from yesterday’s weird and unexpectedly emotional session.

I was planning on going to a coffee shop to get some studying done. That did not happen. Wife and I were going to go after lunch. Then after dinner. Then I just laid down and took another nap. Eventually, I got up again, showered, pulled out some flashcards, and actually studied for one of the two final exams I have on Monday. But suffice it say this was not a very productive use of an entire free day. Nor did it help to soothe the anxiety I have about said final exams.

I wish so much that I knew how to break out of this. I sorta wonder if it isn’t just winter. Winter is all kinds of terrible for me. The lack of sunlight, the cold, the constant heated indoor air, the miserable experiencing of trekking through various winter precipitations and the accumulation of such. It’s just gross and awful. I’m generally okay from like October through mid-January. But then I completely deteriorate. I am beyond ready to “Spring forward” and bid adieu to this damn winter.

Regardless, I’m not proud of myself today. I feel like such a total waste of human life. Sometimes I question why I was even brought into existence and/or continue to do so. But that’s an existential crisis for another day…

Anyway. It’s almost over. And as my wife says: tomorrow, I will fail better.

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11 thoughts on “One of Those Days

  1. kat says:

    hang in there, the sun will come back….eventually! maybe consider a move somewhere sunny (like where I am) in AZ desert…or Cali…or Florida…maybe even Texas? Anyway, I have found since I left Iowa for AZ that I am doing so much better without the dark, the oppressive cold, and the difficulty navigating and maneuvering in winter not-so-wonder lands.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Anxious Mom says:

    It’s interesting that you mention winter being part of the culprit–that seems to be my worst months as well.

    I hope you’re able to get more studying done tomorrow. You are an intelligent person, so I’m sure a cram session, if nothing, will have you mostly prepared.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cat says:

    I’m not surprised your tired and lacking motivation. I mean, look at what you’re going through; new therapy, Zooey, confronting pain and trust issues in therapy, studying and the exam, finances and the general emotional crisis you feel…. wow! Is it any surprise you’re struggling? … and the winter months don’t help. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling so low. It’s difficult to imagine there is usually always an other side when things start to feel clearer. Best of luck for your exam tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Zoe says:

    I hate winter. I can’t stand cold weather. I can’t stand clouds. I can’t stand all the reminders of family that come with all winter holidays. It’s depressing and annoying. Can’t wait for summer and beach season.

    Hope you’re better today. Sending you some sunshine that we had today!

    Liked by 1 person

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