One of Those Days

7d44bc8ecf9194d90149393672ed0c1aToday was one of those days where I consistently wanted to either scream, cry, or jump off my roof. Or maybe some combination of the three. I hate days like this.

I am not even sure what my issue is. Possibly the culmination of lack of sleep combined with hormones, malnutrition, stress, and constant switching. When my dissociative symptoms are worse, everything else just goes to shit. I get these persistent headaches that tip in and out of migraine territory as they please.

Plus I’m admittedly still reeling from yesterday’s weird and unexpectedly emotional session.

I was planning on going to a coffee shop to get some studying done. That did not happen. Wife and I were going to go after lunch. Then after dinner. Then I just laid down and took another nap. Eventually, I got up again, showered, pulled out some flashcards, and actually studied for one of the two final exams I have on Monday. But suffice it say this was not a very productive use of an entire free day. Nor did it help to soothe the anxiety I have about said final exams.

I wish so much that I knew how to break out of this. I sorta wonder if it isn’t just winter. Winter is all kinds of terrible for me. The lack of sunlight, the cold, the constant heated indoor air, the miserable experiencing of trekking through various winter precipitations and the accumulation of such. It’s just gross and awful. I’m generally okay from like October through mid-January. But then I completely deteriorate. I am beyond ready to “Spring forward” and bid adieu to this damn winter.

Regardless, I’m not proud of myself today. I feel like such a total waste of human life. Sometimes I question why I was even brought into existence and/or continue to do so. But that’s an existential crisis for another day…

Anyway. It’s almost over. And as my wife says: tomorrow, I will fail better.