Since it’s is a federal holiday here in America, I had no classes today. Yay for that. But it also means that the building where the therapist works is closed and thus she couldn’t have any sessions today. Lame. This is one of the things I dislike about having my regular sessions on Mondays – so many damn holidays are on Mondays. At least we still had yoga class.
I do have a session scheduled for Friday, but since I normally see her on Mondays, I think I’m going to call tomorrow to cancel. There’s only two days between Friday and Monday, so I’d rather just wait and “re-calibrate” back into our normal Monday session time. I don’t really do well when things go off schedule. Or at least, the system doesn’t do well. We need a very precise and predictable routine.
Plus there’s the money. We’ve already been watching our spending and I feel horribly guilty every time I write a check for each session. I don’t need to add to that by having two sessions so close together. Now that Wife doesn’t even have a job in the process of happening, I definitely don’t want to spend the extra money.
And to be honest, I don’t like the idea of two sessions so close together. It feels eerily similar to the experience of twice-weekly sessions, which is WAY too close to how things were with Zooey. This therapist knows I saw Zooey twice a week for the entire time I was in treatment with her. She’s brought it up a couple of times as a possible option for us to discuss. But…no. Hell no. I just can’t. I cannot.
Whenever really terrible things happen in my life, I spend a lot of time feeling guilty and shitty about it. Then, after settling down a bit, I try to pick out key things to take away from the experience. In this particular case, I learned that I trusted Zooey too much, too quickly and I made her too important to my life and well-being. A lot of that had to do with the frequency with which I saw her. Every 3-4 days is a LOT. I made so much of my life about her and our relationship. I gave her tremendous power over my happiness and sense of safety. I re-created a lot of the enmeshment that was at the center of my family dynamics, which was incredibly damaging both then and now. I wove her into virtually every thread of my life.
Now, 13 months later, I’m trying desperately to pick out the parts of her that are still stuck to me. I can’t go through that again. I won’t. So one session a week it is. And the walls are staying up.
Let’s see if this therapist cares enough (and has the strength and stamina) to tear them down…
P.S. Thanks for your support regarding yesterday’s post. All the likes and comments across various platforms really meant a lot!