Since I’m estranged from my biological family, many of the people associated with them became unintentional collateral damage. I have nothing against them personally, as most have been kind and supportive to me throughout my life. However, to truly achieve the physical and emotional distance I needed to begin healing from the trauma induced by my family, I needed to clear my life of anyone even remotely involved with them. Sadly, that included all of my extended family (except one cousin and Aunt, who are both also estranged from the family), close family friends, and acquaintances. My Facebook friends list went from over 700 to just over 100. I did a serious life cleaning.
Well, today, I received the unfortunate news that someone I loved very much died unexpectedly earlier this morning. She was 51. And I admittedly had not talked to her in a long time. Despite how much I loved her and how important she was to me, she also happened to be my biological mother’s best friend of many years. I tried for about a year after cutting off my family to keep some sort of communication intact, but I found that any connection to my family kept getting me pulled back into their toxic drama. So I slowly cut off contact with her and her family, including her daughter who is a good friend of mine and was in my wedding party.
This is a tremendous and shocking loss. I feel devastated for her and for everyone who loved her, myself included. I have so many emotions about whether or not I should travel to my hometown for her calling hours and funeral. I know that, as a general rule, I just should not be anywhere near my bio fam. But I also resent the idea of being denied the right to say a proper farewell simply because my family is insane. They’ve already taken so much from me.
Luckily this decision doesn’t need to be made right this moment. So for now, I’m just going to try to get some sleep and think more about that decision in the morning when I’m less emotional and less exhausted.
Also, if you’ve been following this blog at all, you know I’ve also been in the throes of some pretty serious grief after suddenly losing my therapist, Zooey, to an unexpected termination of treatment. I know these are very different situations, but right now I feel totally and completely overwhelmed with grief. The overall sense of loss is utterly excruciating.