Grief on Grief

grief-andrssy-kurta-jnos-art-now-recent-sculpture-nude-terminartors-1381884909_orgSince I’m estranged from my biological family, many of the people associated with them became unintentional collateral damage. I have nothing against them personally, as most have been kind and supportive to me throughout my life. However, to truly achieve the physical and emotional distance I needed to begin healing from the trauma induced by my family, I needed to clear my life of anyone even remotely involved with them. Sadly, that included all of my extended family (except one cousin and Aunt, who are both also estranged from the family), close family friends, and acquaintances. My Facebook friends list went from over 700 to just over 100. I did a serious life cleaning.

Well, today, I received the unfortunate news that someone I loved very much died unexpectedly earlier this morning. She was 51. And I admittedly had not talked to her in a long time. Despite how much I loved her and how important she was to me, she also happened to be my biological mother’s best friend of many years. I tried for about a year after cutting off my family to keep some sort of communication intact, but I found that any connection to my family kept getting me pulled back into their toxic drama. So I slowly cut off contact with her and her family, including her daughter who is a good friend of mine and was in my wedding party.

This is a tremendous and shocking loss. I feel devastated for her and for everyone who loved her, myself included. I have so many emotions about whether or not I should travel to my hometown for her calling hours and funeral. I know that, as a general rule, I just should not be anywhere near my bio fam. But I also resent the idea of being denied the right to say a proper farewell simply because my family is insane. They’ve already taken so much from me.

Luckily this decision doesn’t need to be made right this moment. So for now, I’m just going to try to get some sleep and think more about that decision in the morning when I’m less emotional and less exhausted.

Also, if you’ve been following this blog at all, you know I’ve also been in the throes of some pretty serious grief after suddenly losing my therapist, Zooey, to an unexpected termination of treatment. I know these are very different situations, but right now I feel totally and completely overwhelmed with grief. The overall sense of loss is utterly excruciating.


16 thoughts on “Grief on Grief

  1. kat says:

    im so sorry she passed away. it is difficult to relate with family members you do care for and also stay away from family members who are toxic. and attachments to therapists are almost as deep as those with family (hopefully more positive tho), so its not an easy thing to have a therapist detach so quickly and firmly.

    i also always ‘let things settle’ or ‘sit on them’ for a while before making such a big decision. usually the way i feel about generally begins to stand out clearly enough that i know what is the best choice for me. hope you find this to be true as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Zoe says:

    I understand your sentiment of resentment for feeling like the opportunity to say one last farewell to her is being taken by family. I mean, they already took so much, even the possibility of keeping in touch with someone you cared so much about… I would be so furious (then again I am prone to exaggerated rage that way.)

    I hope you can find a solution that works and grants some sort of closure. Sending positive and warm thoughts. I’m so sorry all of this is happening together.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Cat says:

    This must come as quite a blow. From experience, when we are trying to heal and grow, it is better to remove certain people, including family, from our lives. I know this space helps us to see things in a different light. Going home for the funeral is a huge decision, but I am sure you will make the right decision

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Heathers Helpers says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sorry for all your losses. Even though they are not all the same, they are still all losses that need to be grieved.
    I also had to distance myself completely from all my family included extended family and friends. I have not gone to any weddings or funerals in years now. I remind myself each time that I can grieve the loss and say my goodbyes without seeing their funeral. The person I cared for is no longer alive and will not be there except in body. You can speak to their soul from anywhere and keep yourself safe. That is just my 2 cents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fumbling Through Therapy says:

      You’re right. I just need to let go of the anger I feel around even being put in a situation where I have to go elsewhere to say goodbye. It’s always a big blow when my bio fam has another “go” at my life. But it gets gradually easier over time.


      • Amb says:

        Indeed, there will be. It’s so unfair because unfortunately, while you can choose Your involvement with your family, you cannot choose everyone else’s with them, which sucks. 😦

        Liked by 1 person

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