Pathetic

I miss Zooey. A lot. I don’t think about her quite as much as I used to, but when I do, it just hurts so much. The range of emotions I’ve felt over this termination have just been so extreme and exhausting. I think I initially tried so hard to be okay with what happened that I didn’t allow myself to be angry with her or to put the blame on her. Not emotionally anyway. Rationally, I’m able to recognize that she acted in a very unprofessional way. I know, logically, that her behavior was unacceptable. But emotionally, all I feel is shame and embarrassment.

I mentioned this a bit in session with the therapist I’ve been seeing recently. I told her that when I re-read the termination letter I wrote to Zooey, all I feel is shame. I actually went over the printed letter with a highlighter and marked all the parts that cause me to feel pathetic and stupid when I read it now. There was a lot of yellow. The therapist said that she can see absolutely nothing about my behavior or decisions or reactions that would qualify as “stupid” or “pathetic.” I admitted that it’s not exactly rational, it’s just what I do when I’m hurt – I turn it inward and blame myself. Because, really, when was it ever safe for me to be legitimately angry at the people who were hurting me?

At the time I wrote the letter, I was trying to be as authentic and honest as possible. And I was. But in hindsight, I’m so angry with myself for the way I went about it. I’m pissed that despite how badly she hurt me, I still put Zooey’s feelings above my own in that final session. I still tried to take care of her. I still wrote a letter to try and make her feel okay with what was going on. I was authentic, but only halfway. I left out the part where I think she’s a total shit for abandoning me out of nowhere after she committed to seeing me through this journey. I left out the anger. And I did it to protect her and to try and preserve what was left of the relationship.

At this point, I can’t even explain why I miss her. I’m so disenchanted with her. She hurt me and she didn’t seem particularly bothered by doing so, so honestly? She’s probably not even a very good person.

Yet still, I miss her. Every day. How pathetic am I?