Right Now

Despite the approaching blizzard, I did see the therapist today. That’s make five full sessions. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like her.

She’s smart. She definitely exudes much more strength and confidence than Zooey ever did. She seems very attuned to what I’m saying and I can see her actively connecting the dots and trying to pick up on patterns. She catches the small details I try to brush off as irrelevant (or seem irrelevant to me as I’m speaking) but upon further examination, end up being not so small details. She has a very subtle warmth and empathy that feels less threatening and suffocating than previous therapists.

I like her just enough to keep seeing her, but I don’t feel drawn to her the way I did with Zooey. I think part of that comes from my own lack of trust and willingness, but I think it’s also because of the way she sets boundaries. She has a way of keeping things contained inside that room, within the 50 minutes allotted for my session. It doesn’t even feel like there is space to step outside of that little bubble. Historically, I would have found it unbearable to have such limited access to a clinician, but after what happened in December, this feels very safe and relaxing to me. I doubt that will last forever, but it’s nice for right now.

And right now is about all I can do. I told her the story of firing Dr. FF. She laughed at the appropriate moments in the story, but then quickly honed in on the seriousness of not having a prescriber. I told her I made an appointment with someone else – a very experienced female psychiatrist who specializes in trauma and dissociation. The consultation is for tomorrow morning, so unfortunately, Winter Storm Juno WILL be interfering with that appointment, but I already called to reschedule.

As I was talking about all of this shrink nonsense, I sorta shrugged it off as no big deal. I’ve never felt the need to have a psychiatrist that actually fit with me because that has always seemed impossible. My experience with psychiatrists goes beyond sub-par into the world of traumatic. But as I mentioned before, I DO care about how I spend my money. So that made me seriously reconsider who I would pay to write those scripts. The therapist responded by saying she thought it was actually great that I sought out someone more qualified to treat me because I deserve that kind of care. She also started saying it would be good for me – in the long-term – to have someone more skilled and knowledgeable.

I literally interrupted her mid-sentence and said, “I’m not doing ‘long-term’ right now! There is no ‘long-term’ as far as treatment for me… There is only right now’! I can only do right now.” She very calmly replied, “Okay. And I can understand that. So how about I worry about the long-term for the time being and you just worry about the right now?”

Sounds good to me.