Barring any blizzard-related travel issues, I have my fifth appointment with a therapist tomorrow. I do not call her my therapist, because she doesn’t feel like mine. I don’t want her to be mine.
I honestly don’t feel safe or comfortable referring to anyone as an actual legit part of my treatment team right now. This termination, especially the particular way it unfolded, has left me even more weary and skeptical of clinicians. I used to mistrust them on the basis that as a collective profession, they’d let me fall through the cracks an impressive number of times. Now I also don’t trust that, as individuals, they know themselves well enough to provide proper treatment for me.
And I’m scared to trust again. This therapist (blog pseudonym TBD) says she wants to work with me, even given all the drama and trauma and being dumped by Zooey. I don’t believe her. I believe that she believes she wants to work with me. But I have absolutely no faith that she will stick with me once shit gets tough. And why should I? Zooey said all the same things – that she was committed, that she could handle it, that I wouldn’t scare her off with my trauma, that she was invested, that she wanted to work with me, despite it all. And look how that played out…
So I’m not really even sure what I’m doing. I go to each session and mostly just process what’s happening right now, with school and relationships and (of course) Zooey. Which is fine, because that needs to be dealt with and talked about. But I feel this rock solid wall being rebuilt around myself. It seems to grow stronger with each new session. The system is re-fortifying the security around our castle because they – we – are terrified of being hurt and rejected and abandoned all over again.
Therapy cannot happen without trust or safety. Sure, you can do a lot of superficial talking and smooth over some of the surface issues, but so much of the “real”, life-changing work is dependent upon the strength of the therapeutic alliance. I know this wound is still fresh and I hope that over time, it will continue to heal. But how the hell am I supposed to move forward in treatment right now when I am so terrified of revealing literally anything that is real or true?
What a damn mess.