Ugh. So I decided to start a blog just to document the bullshit known as therapy.
I was seeing someone for 10 months, twice a week, when suddenly she terminated out of nowhere. It was cruel and unprofessional and heartbreaking. It’s been one month since then and every day is hard. It seems to get easier with time, but yesterday morning, I found myself crying on the way to school. I couldn’t even figure out why until I realized the date made it exactly one month since our last session. I felt so lost.
I don’t know why she did that to me (“she” being my (former) therapist Zooey). I spend pockets of time here and there throughout the days just wracking my brain trying to figure out what went so wrong. I replay our conversations in my head and try to decipher what this meant or why she said that. I try to figure out what the fuck I did wrong.
But I think mostly I just miss her. I don’t miss being in therapy with her, because that had become a total mess. But I miss seeing her, talking to her, just being near her.
It hurts. A lot.
Things I Learned In Therapy 
It’s sad that you have to go through this. My various therapies were also rather f*ed up but mostly due to incompetence of said therapists rather than me missing them.
I can of course only guess what may have happened due to the general human nature, in hopes that it might shine some light into the darkness of the unknown.
First of someone who leaves without explanation is a very though experience to have. When someone leaves for reasons, we can work through these reasons and their loss and adjust to our new live. With no reasons we are very prone to being stuck in the loop of forever asking ourselves why, finding fault after fault with ourself and torturing us over and over again.
I know my mother does this, this very moment. I have given her reason for walking away but she can’t accept them. The ramifications for her are just too horrible to face so she plays victim. It’s rather a horrible thing to know about someone let alone to have knowingly caused. Some people have walked out on me in the same fashion.
In the end I think the right and ultimately hardest thing is to stop wondering and try and accept it at face value. We will never know. Likely it was about them and their situation and there is nothing we could have done to prevent it (if there had been, they’d have talked it out and attempted to repair the relationship, no?). Someone walking away with no reason is grieviously hurting the one who is abandoned. That feelings need to be worked through. It’s hard work but ultimately much more doable than suddenly arbitrarily finding an answer in our never ending why-it must have been me-but why- it must have been me torture sessions.
Ultimately it’s on them. They threw away the relationship and only with their cooperation can it be salvaged. They are the ones who refuse to communicate and they are responsible for the falling out just as much as we are. If only one person is willing to work on it this relationship will not be a good one. I hope you have already healed a little since you posted this.
kind regards
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Thank you ❤️
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Do sorry, I ‘lost’ a wonderful therapist several months ago. She’s awesome, understanding. We get each other, things worked. The reason, she transferred to another practice. She very kindly offered to continue seeing me there, but it was next to impossible transportation wise. She also left it open that if things change, she’d be happy to accommodate & I could call/email her personally. She referred me to a trusted colleague. I like her. But she’s not Pam.
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I’m sorry I missed this comment. I always respond to every comment people leave! Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that Pam moved to a practice that was outside your ability to travel for therapy. Losing a therapist in almost any circumstance is so tough.
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Ugh. People who have never been in therapy have no idea how attached we can become to our therapists. For a therapist to terminate you like that, with NO explanation, is just cruel and inhumane. I would go nuts if my therapist did that. I worry about it all the time because I’m a worrier by nature, even though I’m almost certain he would never do that.
I found your blog via The Mental Health Writers Guild, btw. I just became a member.
I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.
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Most therapists would not do this (luckily). But yes, the attachment is profound and the repercussions of breaking that attachment are huge. It took me a very long time to understand that this was about her and not me. Thanks for reading and commenting 🙂
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So sorry! Did she say why? Was it a scheduling thing? I was actually turned down by two therapists, because they didn’t want to get sucked into my court case. I was having severe PTSD episodes and really needed to talk to someone, it was devastating. So I started my blog instead.
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No it was because she couldn’t handle being my therapist. It has been for the better but it was extraordinarily painful at the time, which is why I started this blog 🙂
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So sorry Andi, I actually got turned down by two therapists when I needed them the most because they couldn’t handle my situation… it was so heartbreaking.
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Yeah that is awful. Do you have someone now??
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I did online therapy for a while. My life got very good for a bit, but I occasionally have Post Trauma issues….so I am hoping to find someone who will take me on.
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